Why Churchill could be replaced by a puffin on banknotes

I’ve only just got used to having the King on one side, but now the other side is getting a revamp.

Since the 1960s we have had notable historical figures featured on the money.

You will have seen the likes of Florence Nightingale, Charles Darwin and Winston Churchill as you were buying your goods.

They’re on the way out and we could be getting wildlife instead.

Say goodbye to Winston Churchill on the fiver, we’ll be getting a puffin.

I hope it's at least a puffin that has been blamed for a famine in India, otherwise it seems a bit unfair on Churchill.

Our notes will be like NatWest cheque books in the '90s.

I suppose it won’t be long till physical cash seems just as outdated as a cheque, so maybe it’s fitting.

Steve Allen says that putting a puffin on a banknote won't stop the Twitter meltdowns (Image: Steve Allen)

The reason for this change is obscured.

The Bank of England said it was about fraud prevention.

Faces are getting easier to replicate with modern technology.

Wildlife imagery is harder to fake accurately.

This is technically true.

However, I’m more likely to say: "That doesn’t quite look like Darwin," than I am to ever say, "That doesn’t look like the famous beaver that’s on the money."

I don’t want to get cancelled but most beavers look alike to me.

The Cabinet Office, via its Office for Equality and Opportunity, wrote a letter to the Bank of England requesting greater representation of women, disabled people, ethnic minorities and LGBT individuals on the cash.

It seems a little harsh to Florence Nightingale, Elizabeth Fry and Jane Austen to act like they don’t represent women.

And you have to feel sorry for Alan Turing.

He helped to win the Second World War, he created much of modern computing, and the Turing Test for AI.

What did he get in return?

He was prosecuted because of his sexuality and only received a posthumous pardon in 2013.

Now the Cabinet Office wants him removed from the notes for not being too mainstream.

Now we will have to have debates about which animals should be featured.

Is a red squirrel more British than a grey?

The truth is, Britain struggles with symbolism.

We want to honour our past without upsetting anyone.

We want to celebrate diversity without looking performative.

We manage to achieve neither.

We just want a currency without having to sit through Twitter meltdowns about it, but we can’t.

I’d put money on it.

• Steve Allen is a comedian, broadcaster and author, for more from Steve, listen to his podcast ‘Steve N Allen Almost Daily’.