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Opinion: A look at the issues of today

PUBLISHED: 12:00 16 June 2018

Time FM Steve Allen.

Time FM Steve Allen.

Archant

Why have a flower smelling like death?

I feel like Sir David Attenborough has been lying to us. Not about the plastic thing, sadly. I miss having my individually wrapped peanut halves. But he’s been lying about nature.

He was always on the TV telling us how beautiful flowers are. In fact the only other person who goes on about flowers being so beautiful is someone who is trying to drop a big hint. You may have heard your other half say, “Wouldn’t it be nice if someone gave me flowers like that?”

If you reply by saying, “I bet it would be, so fingers crossed,” I find it doesn’t go well.

The proof that Attenborough is wrong is the rare titan arum, it’s known as the corpse flower and it stinks of rotting flesh.

Why on Earth does a flower want to smell like that? I thought they smelled nice to attract bees or birds to spread its pollen. Is this one hoping to be pollinated by zombies? No wonder it’s rare.

You can’t give that flower as a gift. You’d get in even more trouble than hinting to your partner they’ll have to hope a stranger buys them some.

The Eden Project has one of these that’s flowering now. Thankfully only flowers for 48 hours every few years, which implies even the plant is a little self-conscious about the odour. Now if I have a cup of tea that is described as having floral top notes I’ll be worried it’ll taste like death.

The flower has become a tourist attraction in Cornwall, where lots of people are visiting just to experience the terrible smell.

And then they’ll also visit the flower!

I’m only joking. I like Cornwall, I’m gigging there soon, I hope they don’t throw rotten tomatoes.

Actually, I hope they do. I’d rather have that than this flower.

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